I have a twin sister that visits me once a month. She is no fun to be around and we are glad that we don’t see her more often. In fact, those who know her say she is the most unpleasant person they have ever met. “How” Those near and dear to me ask, “can a person as sweet and kind as you are have a sister like that?” I just smile and shake my head. “I don’t know.” I say. “It is a mystery.” She is an embarrassment to the family. I won’t reveal her name, because you might know her and I wouldn’t want you to pass her on the street and whisper, “There goes Reading Rosie’s crazy twin sister. I’ve read all about her. She needs to be in therapy.” But, because I care about you and just in case you ever do meet up with my twin sister, here is a little advice.
First, she is ugly. I know that isn’t kind to say, but it is the truth and you need to know it to prepare yourself. She has pimply skin and little hairs that grow on her chin. I’ve known her to go several days without bathing, brushing her hair or shaving her legs and underarms. If you point this out to her, even in the kindest of way, she might hit you. It is best not to act shocked at the sight of her. Smile, nod your head, try not to make eye contact, look away, and run.
Secondly, she is moody. If you are lucky enough to catch her in a good mood, you might be able to joke and laugh a little with her. But if you are like most unfortunate souls who encounter her especially between the 2nd through the 6th of the month, there is really no way to know what you might experience. It’s possible, because I’ve seen it happen, that she might hit, kick, spit, or throw any large object that is available in your direction. I’ve seen her kick a Monopoly board that was in her walking path across the room. Money, houses, hotels were scattered all over Timbuktu. And once, she took a metal mop and pounded it on the floor until it bent in half. When she is in this mood, speak softly around her and stand at least 10 feet away. Be very careful not to criticize anything remotely related to anything she does. She can cry over not being able to open a pickle jar; but don’t sympathize; because she “Doesn’t need your help!”
Thirdly, she is part animal. Growling, biting and scratching are not out of the question. Don’t poke her in the ribs, tickle her on the neck, pull her big toe, or stick your finger in her ear. All these things tend to exacerbate the problem. It is similar to poking an angry bear with a stick. When she arrives at our house, the dog whines and hides under the bed. The boys lock themselves in their bedrooms and MDH wants to check into a hotel room but I will not let him because I need someone big and strong to protect me. She can smell fear, so don’t act intimidated.
Fourth, she struggles with an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She "Likes Order!" in her area, so don't mess with her area.
Finally, don’t let her near anything that contains the slightest traces of sugar. Do you remember the movie Gremlins? Sugar has the same effect on her that feeding a Gremlin after midnight does. All sugar is hidden during her visit unless she stomps her foot and screams, “I need chocolate!” Then, of course, she gets chocolate. Well, actually chocolate is tossed to her from across the room. But in your case, don’t hold out, give her all the chocolate you have down to that last junior mint at the bottom of your purse and you will be okay.
Fortunately, for my family, she only blows into town for a couple a days each month and just when we think we can’t stand her one more minute, “Poof” she is gone! If she ever ends up in your home, don’t be afraid to ask her to leave. As awful as she is to my family, she is fairly respectful to my friends. Anyway, her departure always makes the birds sing, the squirrels scamper, the children sweet and MDH whistle. All is once again peaceful in our “normal” home. Life is good!
PS: Happy 4th of July! Celebrate safely and take the time to thank God for the freedoms we enjoy in this country! As imperfect as our nation is, we still are the greatest nation on the Earth! God Bless the USA. Amen.
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