Have I told you that I am afflicted with depression and anxiety? Well it is true. A few years ago, I would have never admitted that to anyone much less announce it to the world. I was the woman who had it all together. Everything appeared perfect in my world. I am really just a big cliche all wrapped up in sparkly Christmas paper with bows and ribbons in place sitting picture perfect under your Christmas tree ready to be opened yet inside lies a great big mess of dirty, coffee stained refuse. Yep, that is me! Sorry if I have ruined your image of me but I figure you would find out the truth soon enough and then be mad at me for not telling you to begin with. Therefore, I am coming clean with you. Why am I telling you this today? Because I had an “episode” yesterday. I call it ‘freaking out”, others may call it “going over the edge”, but whatever you call it, it is real and it is scary.
Most of the time my medication keeps the symptoms under control. Occasionally, when I am stressed, or miss a dose of my meds as far back as two weeks, symptoms can appear from out of the blue. I think that is what happened over the weekend. I can feel the darkness coming, but by the time I feel the weight of black hole over me, it is too late and my thought process begins telling me --- “I am worthless.” “If I disappeared no one would notice.” “I am not a good mother or wife.” These thoughts start circulating through my obsessive-compulsive brain and soon, even though they are lies, I start listening to them. I try to reason them away, but you cannot reason depression away. It is a medical condition and has to be dealt with accordingly. At this point, the anxiety of being in social situations begins. For me this is the worst part. How do you explain to friends and family that you cannot leave the house because the fear of being in a social situation has you completely paralyzed? Well, it is not explainable and unless you have experienced the irrational panic, you cannot understand.
Anyway, I got hot on Sunday before worship service. I mean suffocating hot! The hot where you turn red and cannot breathe and feel like someone has a plastic bag over your head hot. I told MDH, “I think I am about to panic and if I plow out over the pew and down the isle, you will know what is going on. My heart was racing, I was fanning, the crowd closed in, but I eventually calmed down. Sometimes I can breathe through it and it will pass. I felt jittery and had a headache Sunday afternoon. Monday we were invited to MDH’s brother’s home for a Labor Day cookout with family. I already had that “feeling” in the pit of my stomach but thought I could get through the event OK. I was dragging my butt getting ready and the guys were ready well before me, so I told them to go on and I would catch up. By the time I got out of the shower a wave of anxiety washed over me, caught me in its grip and held on. I thought, “if I don’t show up surely they will call and check on me,” (because I hated to call them), then I thought “I’ll text Big C and ask MDH to call me,” but Big C’s cell phone was on his desk and so was Little I’s and so was MDH’s. I wonder why we even have the freakin’ things! So, I broke down and called the landline trying to get my voice under control to speak with whoever answered. “Please let me speak to MDH,” quickly I said to my sister-in-law. MDH answered and I fell to pieces. Of course he came home immediately, wrapped me up in his big strong arms and held me there until I was calm enough to talk with him. We then took a nap together and I felt somewhat better, but still jittery and anxious. I feel like I have been drugged this morning and have a fog surrounding me not to mention swollen eyes and cheeks that feel sunburned from all the sobbing, but I have doubled up on my meds for a few days and this should pass quickly.
I share all this with you because anxiety and depression is not openly discussed in public. There is a certain disgrace associated with this topic and for anyone to admit having problems of this nature is to admit weakness. Well, I am here to admit weakness. Also for some highbrow spiritual people, anxiety and depression is considered a spiritual disorder caused by sin and lack of faith. I want loudly to proclaim that perpetual sin in your life may contribute to depression, but it is NOT the underlying factor in most cases. I thought I could pray myself out of the dark hole I found myself in several years ago. About what did I have to be depressed? Absolutely nothing! All the praying in the world could not get me out of that hole. In fact, it dug the hole deeper because it perpetuated my shame. When MDH finally dragged me kicking and screaming to my doctor, who is a Believer, it took him a long time to convince me to take meds for this problem. He explained to me that depression and anxiety are real medical conditions. I was not crazy. Like with many other medical conditions, medicine would help. My wires had disconnected in my mind and meds would help them reconnect, so to say. To make a long story short, the medication did help and I have continued to take it for several years. Occasionally I will get feisty, think skipping a couple of days will not hurt anything, and before I know it, I have a freak out episode exactly like yesterday. Is it embarrassing? Yes! Is it humbling? Yes! Do I wish it would go away? Yes! But the fact is, I will probably live with this condition for the rest of my life and since that is the case I want to share with others what I have been through and by God’s grace I am living one day at a time with depression and anxiety. Most days are great but every once in a while I “turn to the dark side.” Wonderfully, God’s Grace is sufficient even on the dark days. God is good. All the time. Sometimes he answers our prayers by His healing grace, sometimes He answers our prayers through doctors, sometimes He answers our prayers gently by telling us we have to live with "the thorn" we are given because of reasons we cannot see and valuable lessons we need to learn through our suffering. But he always answers in His time and His way and for His glory. Our job is to simply trust Him in all circumstances.
Despite yesterday, I finished a great book last night and hope to get a review written soon. I will share more of my heart later. Thanks for reading and feel free to share this post with a friend.
Most of the time my medication keeps the symptoms under control. Occasionally, when I am stressed, or miss a dose of my meds as far back as two weeks, symptoms can appear from out of the blue. I think that is what happened over the weekend. I can feel the darkness coming, but by the time I feel the weight of black hole over me, it is too late and my thought process begins telling me --- “I am worthless.” “If I disappeared no one would notice.” “I am not a good mother or wife.” These thoughts start circulating through my obsessive-compulsive brain and soon, even though they are lies, I start listening to them. I try to reason them away, but you cannot reason depression away. It is a medical condition and has to be dealt with accordingly. At this point, the anxiety of being in social situations begins. For me this is the worst part. How do you explain to friends and family that you cannot leave the house because the fear of being in a social situation has you completely paralyzed? Well, it is not explainable and unless you have experienced the irrational panic, you cannot understand.
Anyway, I got hot on Sunday before worship service. I mean suffocating hot! The hot where you turn red and cannot breathe and feel like someone has a plastic bag over your head hot. I told MDH, “I think I am about to panic and if I plow out over the pew and down the isle, you will know what is going on. My heart was racing, I was fanning, the crowd closed in, but I eventually calmed down. Sometimes I can breathe through it and it will pass. I felt jittery and had a headache Sunday afternoon. Monday we were invited to MDH’s brother’s home for a Labor Day cookout with family. I already had that “feeling” in the pit of my stomach but thought I could get through the event OK. I was dragging my butt getting ready and the guys were ready well before me, so I told them to go on and I would catch up. By the time I got out of the shower a wave of anxiety washed over me, caught me in its grip and held on. I thought, “if I don’t show up surely they will call and check on me,” (because I hated to call them), then I thought “I’ll text Big C and ask MDH to call me,” but Big C’s cell phone was on his desk and so was Little I’s and so was MDH’s. I wonder why we even have the freakin’ things! So, I broke down and called the landline trying to get my voice under control to speak with whoever answered. “Please let me speak to MDH,” quickly I said to my sister-in-law. MDH answered and I fell to pieces. Of course he came home immediately, wrapped me up in his big strong arms and held me there until I was calm enough to talk with him. We then took a nap together and I felt somewhat better, but still jittery and anxious. I feel like I have been drugged this morning and have a fog surrounding me not to mention swollen eyes and cheeks that feel sunburned from all the sobbing, but I have doubled up on my meds for a few days and this should pass quickly.
I share all this with you because anxiety and depression is not openly discussed in public. There is a certain disgrace associated with this topic and for anyone to admit having problems of this nature is to admit weakness. Well, I am here to admit weakness. Also for some highbrow spiritual people, anxiety and depression is considered a spiritual disorder caused by sin and lack of faith. I want loudly to proclaim that perpetual sin in your life may contribute to depression, but it is NOT the underlying factor in most cases. I thought I could pray myself out of the dark hole I found myself in several years ago. About what did I have to be depressed? Absolutely nothing! All the praying in the world could not get me out of that hole. In fact, it dug the hole deeper because it perpetuated my shame. When MDH finally dragged me kicking and screaming to my doctor, who is a Believer, it took him a long time to convince me to take meds for this problem. He explained to me that depression and anxiety are real medical conditions. I was not crazy. Like with many other medical conditions, medicine would help. My wires had disconnected in my mind and meds would help them reconnect, so to say. To make a long story short, the medication did help and I have continued to take it for several years. Occasionally I will get feisty, think skipping a couple of days will not hurt anything, and before I know it, I have a freak out episode exactly like yesterday. Is it embarrassing? Yes! Is it humbling? Yes! Do I wish it would go away? Yes! But the fact is, I will probably live with this condition for the rest of my life and since that is the case I want to share with others what I have been through and by God’s grace I am living one day at a time with depression and anxiety. Most days are great but every once in a while I “turn to the dark side.” Wonderfully, God’s Grace is sufficient even on the dark days. God is good. All the time. Sometimes he answers our prayers by His healing grace, sometimes He answers our prayers through doctors, sometimes He answers our prayers gently by telling us we have to live with "the thorn" we are given because of reasons we cannot see and valuable lessons we need to learn through our suffering. But he always answers in His time and His way and for His glory. Our job is to simply trust Him in all circumstances.
Despite yesterday, I finished a great book last night and hope to get a review written soon. I will share more of my heart later. Thanks for reading and feel free to share this post with a friend.
4 comments:
Hey Rosie, I feel your pain. I also suffer with anxiety. I get so nervous in public places, and it is really hard for me to leave my house. It is a VERY scary thing. You feel so alone, and hopeless. And like you said you almost feel ashamed because people don't talk about it, and you feel like you are the ONLY one in the WHOLE world that is going through this. I have tried a few meds from my doctor and neither have worked. I still try to go out, and be the HERO, and have a panic attack in the restroom stall. And stay in there and try to calm myself. And it's really hard for me cause I'm so young, and I feel trapped. But I just pray to God, and wait for Him. I feel real scared and alone about this alot, so I want to thank you for writing about your experience with it. It makes me know that there are other people that suffer with this. So you pray for me Rosie and I will you. Thanks again. JustMarried
Don't give up on medicine. I take Zoloft but I know of others who take Paxil. Find a good doctor you can talk to that will LISTEN because some don't. You may need to increase your dosage amount. Also, you need to know that it might take two or three weeks for the medicine to get into your system before it works. That is why if I miss a few doses two weeks ago it doesn't affect me until later. For some people the problem increases during those couple of weeks until your brain adjusts. When I first started taking meds, it took about three weeks and then one day I got up and whatever cloud was hanging over me just disappeared. Really strange. The best thing I did was find a friend who could relate. We consider it cheap therapy. Feel free to contact me anytime you need an encouraging word. You are NOT alone sweet one.
Rosie:Thanks for the wonderful posts....Young is such a blessing to anyone who knows her, she is always ready with a kind word, I'm thankful she is my friend & sister in Christ, she is a blessing to our church & community...I saw your Dad at church the other Sun.,he looks so good, of course he has never had any problems with his looks bty.."The Thorn Birds is one of my all time favorite books...Keep up the good writing...Love y'all, Anna Ruth
Isn't it amazing how many of us are taking depression and anxiety drugs once we start talking about it? I'd like to recommend Chonda Pierce's DVD "Committed". It is about her experience of being clinically depressed and how her husband had to have her committed to the mental health hospital to save her life. I found it funny, sad, but most of all, encouraging. Dealing with menopause seems to make all this emotional stuff worse, so hang on girls, the late forties are coming whether we are ready or not!
Dar
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