The Holiday season was tough for me again this year. Each year when November rolls around, I seem to take a plunge deeper into the dark spot I tread in every day, with the weight of expectations pulling me farther under. Added to this year was a bad sinus infection that sent me to the doctor twice. BUT, I can say, the season wasn’t as difficult this year as in years past. I took more control of my time, and did what was best for me and the immediate family. I got through it without as many meltdowns or tears, and actually found myself smiling and laughing a few times on Christmas Day. I call that a small success, and take it appreciatively. If you struggle with depression as I do, then I'm sure you understand what I mean.
I used to write a family letter, and send out two-hundred cards every Christmas, but I didn't do that this year...it's too much. I used to bake hundreds of cookies, and decorate every square inch of my home, but I didn't do that this year either...just too much. I used to watch every Christmas special, and play Christmas music the entire month of December, but I didn't do that this year...again, too much.
I deliberately stayed away from Christmas music and TV specials until a few days before. I baked only a few (non-sugary) goodies. My gifts were very simple, and I did most of my shopping on-line, along with a few local purchases a day or so before Christmas. Christmas Eve was a relaxed luncheon at my in-laws. Christmas Day was church, a simple brunch with immediate family, and a short, relaxed visit to my Mother’s with some extended family. New Year’s Eve was spent quietly at home. My decorations are now down and stored away, and most of the goodies are gone. I’ve spent the last two days catching up on laundry. I'm so glad the season is over! Both my mental and physical health is better as well.
Although I don’t make resolutions, I do set a few goals each year. I’ve thought through what I want to accomplish this year, and will share them with you…
- I want to write more…at least once a week write a blog post. That is a reasonable goal for me. I want to quit comparing my work to others'. I read these beautifully written blog posts of others, and sometimes that keep me from writing my own, because I feel my voice is not good enough. Screw that!
- I want to sew and sell more…my greatest joy comes from sewing, and I always feel wonderful when someone wants to purchase something I’ve made. I think two projects a month are doable.
- I want to get back on a regular Wednesday night schedule in my Zumba class. This is the one thing I do that makes me feel better emotionally and physically. I need it.
- I want to read more non-fiction, and specifically learn HTML with CSS coding. I know some, but my education goal for 2012 is to be fluent.
- I desire more confidence in myself…not sure how to achieve that one yet, but I’m working on it...any suggestions?
- I want to worship my Creator more purely. This doesn’t mean being at church every time the doors are open. It means, when I attend, I want it to be a deliberate act of worship not an obligation to others. I desire my heart to always be in a state of worship and wonder.
- I want to live more simply, and continue to purge my life of “stuff”. The older I get the less “stuff” I want around me. It seems to suffocate me.
- I want to give my best to the computer class I’ve agreed to teach. I’m a true geek at heart, and want to share the joy of geekiness with others.
These are not amazing goals, very simple ones really, but they are enough for me. They are within boundaries to keep me sane; yet still give me a sense of accomplishment. They are concrete, but not to the point where I feel stuck. They also set perimeters to help me deal with those who want their life objectives to be mine also. I’m slowly learning what I need, and not worrying about what others expect. At forty-six you would think I’d have this figured out…not so!
Life’s a process, isn’t it?
I read a quote recently, but can’t remember who wrote it…wish I had kept the reference…
”Living a deliberate life is much better than living a life of habit.”
I like that. I think I’ll make it my mantra for 2011.
Thanks for reading, Rosie.