A Year of Loss, A Year of Learning

So here I am, January 3, 2010. It has been over three months since I have posted on this obscure little blog. I am a blogging drop out. No diploma for meeee! Not to make excuses but 2009 was a beast of a year and I can honestly say I’m glad it is in the past. 2009 will be journalized as a year of loss. Beginning with the tragic death of Carter’s friend, the unexpected death of a dear high school friend, Carter moving out on his own and the death of my dad in September. Life became an emotional roller coaster; however, I learned a lot in the process. At least I guess that is what I am supposed to say…I learned a lot. And I did….really.

I needed to write about my dad’s death. I could not. Words would not come. Neither would grief or tears. My body went numb. How is that possible when I knew death was present? I witnessed his decline; I said good-bye. I was wracked with guilt for feeling a sense of relief…not relief that he died…relief from the time consuming doctor’s appointments, the constant anxiety, the long sleepless nights and the never ending dialogue that comes from family members about his “condition”. Gone in an instant. Then began all the stories of how this holiday season will be so difficult when in reality, the holiday season was not too difficult. “How are you doing?” questions everywhere with “I am fine” answers. Then out of the blue while washing dishes of all things, I begin thinking about the pain my dad was in the last few days of his life. His body shook with pain and the truth is, he was probably in severe pain for several weeks and kept it to himself. And I think, “How could I not see this and request stronger pain meds for him earlier? He suffered and I did not do anything!” And there is where Grief found me. Standing in the kitchen with my hands in soapy water. Finally tears came in torrents. Wailing sobs of grief, anger, relief, guilt, and even some foot stomping and then simply missing my daddy. Missing his, “Hey, Rosie” greeting and “How are the boys?” question, his firm grip of affection that he gave me by squeezing the back of my neck and even his terrible Irish temper that I inherited (something I never thought I would miss).

I am learning what grief really is - a tricky emotion that treats everyone the same but causes as many different reactions as there are people. I am learning not to judge someone for their lack of outward grief. I am learning not to try and tame grief. And I am learning how to live without my Dad.

Thanks for reading, Rosie.